Broken News - News, the Broken Variety: Love , Hate, Light

News, the Broken Variety: Love , Hate, Light

by Cauldron Larynx

Driving Like I Hate My Life

Ahh, the fast lane of the online marketing game. I'm in the carpool
by myself, blazing down the highway with a blow-up dog in my
passenger seat and flipping off the cops. No, this is not an analogy
for our industry, and last week's, "Germans Advertising" wasn't either. I just
continue to be curious how there are so many Companies modeling their
businesses based on the auto loan vertical. Where is the value? When I'm
whizzing by foreigners in pintos stuck in traffic, I'll have to throw
on my hazards and slow my carpooling long enough to ask them if they
want an auto loan. I guess it's all the offline business that keeps
that sector afloat. I just don't see it. And opt-ins on cash advance
forms? The advertisers are backing those out? I guess so. I'll just
keep driving like I hate my life.

Advertising Like I Love My Wife

My wife said to me, "honey, how come you are so stressed when you get
home at night?" After screaming at her that the chicken was
overcooked and why does she ask such stupid questions, I sat her down
and explained the nature of what I do. "Well, babe, remember during
your freshman year of college last spring, how that one Communications
class of yours was full of girls who got A's by sleeping with your
53-year old professor, Dr. Hedgebert? "Yes," she replied. "Well, the
online mortgage and online debt consolidation businesses are kind of
like that. If you aren't willing to play the flute for your
advertisers, the tunes aren't music to your ears." "Hon, your little
sayings are so cute. Are you saying that if you don't put on the dark glasses
and put your integrity in the drawer you won't make money at work?" "Yeah,
something like that," I replied. "Well, then start tooting those horns, because
"this bitch needs some bling!"

Writing Like My Paycheck Is Light

I know we were planning gargantuan gifts for the wives and girlfriends
this Christmas, TWO gifts each day of Chanukah and some sugar for the
concubines for Kwanzaa, but it just may not work out that way. After
an insanely fat last quarter in 2004 built on our beloved Useful zip
submits, a sub-par Holiday season in 2005, a spectacle of sub-prime
bliss in 2006, everyone in the industry was expecting a monster Q4
2007, making three phenomenal Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays out
of four. I am already hearing the scurry and scuddle of displeased
affiliates, compromised advertisers and agencies pulling budgets due
to lack of performance. Have we all gotten so greedy that we have
inundated so much supply to buyers that the Q4 demand is now lacking?
How about seasonal campaigns such as RC cars and flying helicopters
and ceramic collectables and "Save The Soldiers" Christmas ornaments?
We can count on those to save our final quarter, right? Oh yeah...
it's not 2003.

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This episode of Broken News is brought to you by our trusted industry insider, Cauldron Larynx. Cauldron utilizes deep knowledge, deeper skills and deepest relationships to make up the most breaking and relevant news in the Affiliate Marketing sector.

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