Itchin’ For Religin’
By Bryan May
If I am
going to be a man of religion, and follow the ideologies of
a man who believes he is good and is going to Heaven, I will
have to cease lamenting the lost, the past, and the
present. Looking at pictures and letting them sadden you
does no good. Assuming this is all we have, and there is no
God and no Heaven, you might as well get ill on reality and
rage until your days are up. But examine your
surroundings. Not the synthetic infrastructure. Examine
the earth, with nature and creatures and the divine animal,
mankind. Is this all there is, and all there could be? How
could a cosmic star have exploded and formulated an
existence of such a spectacular and diverse variety? I
never knew what I believed, but abiding by the chicken or
the egg philosophy, I am obligated to search for the God or
the man philosophy. Did We create Him, or did He create
Us? A statement of such blasphemy would not be taken
lightly by the theologians of my religion or any other, but
this is not an incendiary attempt to ignite anger or
resentment toward the Digital Moses newsletter. I
want to know if my angst and uncertainty is justified.
I believe that this is not all there is, but if I
truly believed that, wouldn’t I be free from the unsettling
peculiarity that burdens me? Why do we yearn to be
self-destructive? Sure, there have been myriad essays,
shorts, shows, spectacles, and dictations on the Higher
Power and how it affects us, the presence of God and the
next life, but this is my first time writing on the
subject. Realizing that there have been more wars over
religion than there have been over money, that makes the
least sense, but then again, it makes the most sense. For
many, their faith is more important than wealth. And it
should be. That said, perhaps you can view it this way;
those in possession of wealth wield the most power, and
those with the most power can sometimes dictate religious
practices of their people. And the power feeds the desire
to control others, and thus, force them into certain
behavior. Not in our land, thankfully, but in others. You
can practice in your own home, but the communal aspect of
religion is what makes it appealing for so many. I do not
include myself in the community of public prayers. I was
born a Christian, and continue to hold the ideas of
Christianity in my heart and mind, but I have attended
Temple more than I have Church. In fact, in the last, say,
12 years, I have been to Temple probably ten times, and
Church zero. Church is kind of an ostentatious affair
anyway. As a youngster, I thought my grandfather was a
religious man, but he wasn’t. He was a good man.
While driving his white Thunderbird with me in the passenger
seat, we passed a Church and he remarked, “look at all the
sinners flocking to mass. They’re taking that cracker, and
being forgiven of their sins so they can go out this weekend
and sin again. Next week you’ll see the same people in line
to be forgiven.” In a way, he was joking, and he only
believed that about some of them, but I’ve never forgotten
it.
The way
nutrients from the earth are consumed and digested and
excreted, you are telling me this is happenstance? The
healing process of the human body? Mental capabilities and
hyper-advanced deductive reasoning? Accidents of such
proportion seem to be impossible, at least to me. If we
exploded onto the earth in our current state, and an
explanation was necessary early on for the sake of sanity,
therefore the creation of God, what sense does that make?
Institutions and strict education and a code of ethics are
not necessary for my religion. My religion dictates you be
the best person you can be, and don’t minimize the plights
of others, while keeping your relative personal plights in
perspective. I overact and become unraveled and worked up
like everyone, but when I slip into bed at night I know that
I am blessed with a life of quality, and I am thankful for
every day that I have with my family and the world. What is
the most impacting aspect of life? Death? Are we
heartbroken that we will never see the person again, or are
we frazzled that their miraculous and unique presence on
earth will no longer be enjoyed? About a year ago, I was
remarking to my father that I couldn’t miss a Friday of work
because “I couldn’t be replaced” for that day. “The
graveyard is full of people who were irreplaceable,” that’s
what my father had to say. If we are to be the
practitioners of religion like we are “supposed” to be,
death is the second life, right? All of us do-gooders will
see each other again in the blissful state known as Heaven.
I see a lot of horrific things going on here in earthly
reality, so no way does Heaven have suicide bombers
and murderous thieves and child molesters. We will smile
and laugh for eternity, while the living are forced to deal
with the f-ups. But can I say, “f-up” in Heaven? What are
the parameters? Perhaps upon death, you are given a choice
if you have lived a virtuous existence. “You can come with
me to Heaven, but no getting your willy played with, and no
off-color jokes or drinking or gambling or fighting. Or, I
can lay your soul to rest in the ground with your body, and
that is how you will be known until the end of time.” Is
that God’s standard speech at the gates? And I wonder if
you will be given prior knowledge of who you cared about
that died before you went to Heaven, who went to Hell, and
who opted to have their soul banished to the ground with
their body. I know it sounds like a sinister thing to say,
but people do possess disgusting secrets, and many carry
them to death. What if someone you adored had one of these,
and they were sent to Hell, eternal punishment for
their earthly wrongdoings. Are you privy to that knowledge
before you choose Heaven? With that rationale intact, upon
death of a loved one, the people we should harbor the most
pain toward are those who we cared deeply for, but knew they
were rotten individuals with black souls. When your loafers
are in the grass at their plot, you will look down and know
that you will truly never see them again. Now that’s
sad. Unless of course, you yourself are a despicable piece
of trash, in which case, there is no reason to bother with
sadness over the baddies, because you’ll be spending plenty
more days with them rolling rocks.
I know
that the word “forever” scares me, and I wouldn’t want to be
somewhere forever unless I knew it was going to be
good. Actually, there is nowhere on earth that I would want
to be for every second for all of the seconds to come, but
that is the point of Heaven. We cannot fathom it, and in
turn, are unable to comprehend its blissful nature. The
only problem is, all of the things that I like to do would
not be considered Heavenly, so what the Hell? I mean,
“Heaven.” What the Heaven! I like to laugh. And I like
baseball. So if I get to kick it with my family and
friends, and laugh and talk baseball, I’m cool. Movies
too. But how objectionable a movie are you permitted to
watch in Heaven? I’m sure joints like “Requiem For A Dream”
aren’t allowed. Actually, you know what, there are no
movies in Heaven, and there is no baseball either. Those
are earthly engagements, and do not belong. The divine
post-mortem state shall not include endeavors of living man.
Heavenly
overlap. That is a concept that always confused me. I
don’t want all of the fuck-ups who were absolved of their
sins moments before death in my Heaven, I can tell
you that. I want good people in my Heaven, no matter
what religion, color, ethnicity, or personal belief system.
If they’re good, they can chill in my Heaven with me.
Unfortunately, a lot of people would disagree with that
sentiment. Christians don’t want Muslims in their Heaven,
and Muslims don’t want Jews in their Heaven, and Republicans
don’t want Michael Moore in their Heaven. But why not?
What are you guys afraid of? Do you think you are going to
Heaven because you are right, or because others are wrong?
That’s the difference. If I’m going it’s because I’m
right, and that means you’re going as well. And you. And
you. Atheists and Wiccans are allowed in my Heaven, but
when God rings the dinner bell, they aren’t allowed to say,
“That wasn’t God, that was the wind.” Jews for Jesus are
allowed in my Heaven, but by the time they get there, they
have to have made up their minds. Anyway, I almost skipped
over the aforementioned “Heavenly overlap.” Are there
separate Heavens for all religions, or only one? There can
only be one Hell, right? I wonder which is more likely,
multiple Heavens or multiple Hells?
Around a
decade ago, before all of the tales of dirty priests were
brought to the public with full force, there was a case
involving a poor family who lost their infant. The parents
of a small baby watched their child die in a car accident,
and he had not yet been baptized. The family’s
priest told them their child would not be going to Heaven,
because he had not been absolved of original sin. Deeming
this infant a sinner, he would be banished to Hell. That
bothered me quite a bit at the time, so I asked a priest at
my Catholic High School. He remarked that Jesus would
intervene and baptize the baby, therefore permitting him
into Heaven. It was a good enough answer for me.
Do you
meet new people in Heaven, or do you congregate exclusively
with your friends from the realm of the living? And how
about if you are reunited with your wife of 40 years, but
when you get there, a new squaw catches your eye that you
know “should have been” your wife. Do you ditch your
old lady and pick the heavenly one? Strange questions
abound. Get them out while you can, because up there, it’s
answers only.
Bryan May
bmay@emarketmakers.com
